Divorce

Power is not control, but the ability to influence.

Once you fire a cannon, the ball will still go in the same direction that it was fired. This is true of our relationships too. I mentioned in an earlier post that the habits you establish in a relationship in the dating and courting stages will be maintained and amplified in a marriage.

24% of American will be divorced in their lifetime and of those that are remarried, 62 % will be divorced again. These percentages were surprising to me. But, as I learned a little bit more, it made more sense. Within those couple who are remarrying, they usually are bringing other people into the relationship with them. They likely have children. This adds a whole new dynamic to a new relationship. Relationships take time to build and strengthen. When you are blending multiple lives together, it would make sense that not all of those would be successful simply because of the mass amounts of stress.

Those who marry in their teen years are more likely to be divorced. However, this is not as true for those who attend some sort of weekly religious service.

Cohabiting is one of those things that people think is a great idea. Let me clarify, when I say "cohabiting" I mean living with a sexual partner, I do not mean simply living under the same roof with a person. In the 1970's cohabiting was something that was being strongly advocated by social scientists as something that would help drive down the increasing divorce rates. Unfortunately, they didn't know at the time that cohabitation would increase the percentage of divorced couples once they did actually get married.

Why would cohabiting lead to higher divorce rates? You would think it would be a good idea because it allows the couple to test out what marriage would be like. But, it actually hinders the progress of marriage. It allows people to live their lives parallel to one another rather than combing them.

What I found surprising was the fact that women are significantly more likely to file for divorce than a man is. They are usually dissatisfied and have reached the point where they feel they most take a drastic step or they simply are tired of trying.  However, when a man files for divorce, it is usually because he already has another relationship going on. Along with this, it makes sense that those couples who are most likely to be divorced are same gender female couples.

Parenting

What is the purpose of parenting? It is to protect and prepare our children for the realities to thrive and survive in the world that they live in. But, we can not raise them according to our current society, we need to raise them to be successful in the society that they will be living in. This world is changing at exponential rates. I am currently in my mid 20's I remember saying all the time, "hey, can you hurry up with the computer? I need to use the phone". Why did I say that? Because the phone that was mounted on the kitchen wall was plugged into the phone jack that the internet used for dial up. Now, we have skinny devices that fit in our pockets that will allow us to call anywhere (without long distance prices) while searching the internet without any wires at all. My point is that things change so fast. We need to prepare them for the future they will be jumping into.

When I think about parenting, I think of a couple raising their children together. But, I learned recently that this form of parenting hasn't always been the case. There have been times in history when children were not raised by parents. For example, there were places during WWII that didn't do this. They would send their children to homes where they were raised as a large group rather than individuals.  What kind of effect did this have on those that were raised there?

Who is impacted by parenting; the children, or the parents? I would argue that all parties involved are impacted. I would even go so far as to say that extended family can be impacted.  When you are raising children, it makes you selfless, you learn how to be more intentional in your thinking and energy and time allocation.

Have you ever found that you are going along doing something and found that you are doing it the same way your parents did? I have found this to be true for myself, especially lately. Sometimes I say something and have to stop because I realized that those words just came out of my mouth and not my mothers. Or, I will explain something to a friend and realize that I just used the same voice inflections that my father does.  My point is that we as children are affected by the way that our parents did things and they are constantly learning and growing, shaping who they are until their adulthood. Once we reach 35 years old, we are pretty much set in our own ways (unless something dramatic happens in our lives). We will simply become more of who we already are.

We need to have a genuine care for those we are raising and those who are in our lives. There is a theory about the 6 basic human needs. Are we meeting these needs?

Finances

How important is money in a relationship? There is this idea surrounding love that if your love is strong enough, it'll make it through anything. Though that is a sweet thought, and there can be truth found in it, how much better would it be if you didn't have to struggle all the time to make your relationship work?

One of the main stress causing issue in a relationship that leads to divorce is money and finances. If two people are not on the same page when it comes to handling money, there are going to be problems. Like always, find what works for you. But, make sure it works for you as a couple. Something like money should not lead someone to stop being with the person they love.

So, when deciding how to handle finances, what needs to be looked at?
I would say it is important to decide as a couple who will be working. Who is going to be bringing in the money? If both the husband and wife are working, how are the family roles going to be divided? Who is going to handle the bills? Is there a price cap that you need to talk to each other about regarding unplanned purchases?

Something that I found to be very surprising that was discussed in one of my classes was the results from a study that looked at the finances between households where there are two incomes versus one income. They looked at how much it cost for the costs of the additional travel expenses, childcare, and some other points. But, what I found to be surprising was that when they had the two incomes and the additional costs, the net income was actually lower (there were multiple households that were studied and this was found to be true to them all).

The couples that participated were shocked and alarmed when they realized all that they were giving up in regards to time spend with their children and families.

I bring this up because it is important to really take a look at the realities of our choices. Am I saying that couples with children should not have two working parents? No, I intend to have a career and children. But, it is important to see what the trade off is and what you as a couple and family are willing to do. It is important to be on the same page with each other and to have open communication about your finances. It is important to sit down and make a plan. Plan to save for that inevitable rainy day. Plan for those fun trips that can only happen when you save for them. Plan for the unexpected expenses of life.

Communication

We talk about communication all the time. But what is it really? I'm sure we have all heard that always changing percentage of verbal vs nonverbal communication.  But again, what is communication? It is verbal and nonverbal exchange in order to create a shared experience. I recently had an experience where I wanted to talk about something with someone in order to make a plan and figure out the details. At the time, I didn't realize the person I was talking to is not as much of a planner as I am. As the discussion continued, I could tell that they were becoming more and more upset. At that point I decided to drop the issue (even I then was frustrated at the lack of a conclusion) because I didn't want to cause any upset feelings, the situation didn't warrant pressing the issue.

How was I able to tell they were getting upset? Because of the nonverbal cues that were being displayed. The communication was leading to an unpleasant shared experience. It has been found that nonverbal communication, though not always as direct as verbal communication, it is much stronger. If someone is telling you something, but their behavior, tones, and actions are saying something else, people are more likely to believe the nonverbal communication. And, rightly so because that is what is typically true.

Males and females communicate differently. If you've ever seen the "its not about the nail" video, that is a good example of what I am talking about, though that is more addressing the way we approach thinking. But, the principle is the same. We are wired differently and because of that, we are going to go about doing things differently.

This is something that I have been surprised to realize about myself. I grew up with four brothers so generally speaking I feel like I can understand them fairly well, and sometimes find myself identifying with how they think more than how some of my female friends process thing. But, as I have had more exposure to different people, I find that I am definitely on the female side of thinking and communicating.  Some of this confusion with communication comes into effect when the nonverbal cues are subtle simply because of these differences we have. People will interpret their cues according to how they would mean them and how their gender would mean it. Unfortunately, this is usually an inefficient way of communicating because it does not lead to a shared experience.
This brings up another question. Can there be too much communication?

I think most people would agree that communication is vital for a healthy strong relationship. The question is, how do we know we are communicating effectively? We must be patient with each other. We need to keep our emotions at bay, particularly if they are negative. Give each other the benefit of the doubt and keep trying until you are all on the same page.

Stress...that's a bad thing, right?

When I think of stress, I think of finances and deadlines....which makes sense in the stage of life I am in right now. If you asked me a year ago, I would have also added trying to figure out what I want to do with my life - this time next year I'll probably tell you that applying for jobs and grad school is stressful. Basically, I think of struggling and hardships. But, how many of us think of diamonds? Carbon needs to go through immense amounts of "stress" before becoming the thing of beauty that people desire and cherish. It needs to be found, cut down, and polished. This is true of people and our relationships as well.

As we struggle together and lean on each other, our relationships come out so much stronger.  This is something we see in movies all the time. (Disclaimer: No, I don't believe everything I see on TV).  An obvious example of this is Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gagee. Sure they were friends before their journey together, but there was such a deep and profound love and respect for one another once all was said and done that it couldn't be put into words.

There is a model that address the process people go through called the ABCx model. 

ABCx stands for: 

Actual Event:

   Both - Response and Resources 

+ Cognition (how we define the situation/ think about it/ feel about it)

x  (Total Experience [this is the outcome]) 

There are 12 different types of stressors. I'm not going to list them all, but they can be divided into two main categories. Physiological (physical) and Psychological (mental). Each person develops coping skills as they have different experiences in life. Some of these can be very beneficial while others can be damaging. It is important to identify what kind of approach you are taking. Is it allowing you to grow and become a better person or is it stunting your growth?  

One thing that we really need to avoid is ANTs:  

Automatic

Negative

Thoughts

As we allow ourselves to fall into this, it affects the "x" factor, it plays a role in how we perceive the total experience. It makes me think of that verse of scripture that says "as a man thinketh, so is he".  If we percieve something as terrible and hard, it is going to be. If we are able to keep the perspective of what we are learning, how we are growing, and how the situation can benefit people, it will be that much better of an experience. 

For example, I am in college. I can think about the stress of finishing assignments, studying for and taking exams, and all of those things. With that perspective, I will be dragging through semester after semester, checking boxes off a list of requirements. But, if I think about the content of the courses, how I need to know that information to be prepared, how I will be able to help people when I come out (alive) on the other side, and about the experiences shared with new friends, I will love college. 

The main point I am trying to make is that we all have stressful times in our lives but, if we can learn how to recognize the beneficial value of those times, we will be all the better for it. 

I hope this has all made sense and that it can be beneficial to someone out there in the world. I love learning about all of this. Please, if you have questions, ask them. If you have insights, share them. 

Have a  great day!

Rebecca

Committed Relationships, Intimacy, and Friends

There are many things that need to be addressed when entering into a committed, intimate relationship.

Like, what are the boundaries?  Being in college, I hear all the time things like "once you get married, your social life disappears" or "married people don't associate with single people anymore" and the likes. There seems to be this social understanding that you live separate lives. But, aren't your friends still your friends, even though you get married? Some of my best friends have been married now. I would say that we are still very close, but I have been able to see this truth in our relationship. It's not that the friends ship has died or that it is inappropriate in anyway, but rather it has simply changed.  This is one reason so many couples are sharing their Facebook accounts and things like that.

There need to be firm boundaries once you get married. Even when only innocent and pure intentions exist, you need to be careful who you are developing attachments to. Most infidelity does not come about because they were planning it. It typically develops from a friendship. Am I saying that you can't have friends anymore? No. We all need friends to one degree or another. But how we approach those friendships is something that really matters.

An example that was brought up in class was the TV show from the early 2000's,  Friends. I think most of us are at least familiar with it. Another show that portrays this idea is How I Met Your Mother.  Though they didn't all end up sleeping with each other, some of them did, and there were numerous times when they were inappropriately relying on each other.

I mentioned this idea in my last post, but when we turn to people outside of the relationship regarding issues with that relationship, it begins to break those bonds instead of strengthening them. When you rely on each other to resolve concerns, you end up strengthening those ties.

Another thing that people don't really talk about is that the sexual cycle is different for the different genders. It takes women longer to reach the peak of their experience than men; it has been scientifically proven. This leaves the men feeling like they can't satisfy the needs of their spouse and the women wanting to help somehow. This is one of those things that needs to be worked through with your partner. When left unaddressed it can build to feelings of resentment and being objectified.

I know multiple couples who would have benefited from knowing this when they first started sleeping together.

Side not: physical intimacy is one of 6 basic human needs - along with food/water, sleeping, breathing, shelter, and using the restroom.

Also, I want to note that not all intimacy is sexual. You can have an intimate relationship without being physical at all. This goes back to the idea of who you are leaning on for support and strength. It is important to make sure that you are not developing intimate relationships once you are committed to someone. This is why it is important to carefully monitor your friendships and keep those boundaries clear.

I wish I could better articulate the concepts I'm trying to talk about here.  If you have any comments, please feel free to comment and ask questions. 

Transitions in Marriage

There is a funny thing about being in school. I think that time actually changes because last think I knew, it was the end of May...but apparently its actually closer to the end of June, which is crazy to me. I have also realized I need to work on my blogging skills. I have no problem talking with people, but apparently when I write it all out, I sound more like I'm writing a book report. Oh well.

I wanted to take a minute to talk about some of the transitions that people go through once they get married and start having children. I have been learning about some of the things that typically bring couples closer together and things that will pull them apart. Some of the things were pretty self apparent, but others were really quite subtle - things I never would have thought of.

Some of the more obvious things were financially oriented, like making large purchases without checking in with your spouse or charging things to your credit card when you can't afford them. Others that were also pretty self explanatory were things like talking bed about each other behind their backs. Hopefully, these aren't things that we struggle with, but if they are, reach out to each other and resolve these issues, please.

For the not so obvious ones, it was things like how much you rely on your family and friends. For example, when you and your spouse have a disagreement, you shouldn't talk to other people about it, even "just to blow off steam", even if you aren't trying to put them in a bad light or anything. When people do this, they don't typically go back and talk about how they resolved it and all the good things that person has done. Plus, it wont have the emotional ties of resolution for anyone outside of the relationship. Something else that was good indicator or whether or not you will be successful in the first few years of your marriage was who paid for the wedding and the reception. If this was done by the couple, statistically, they were happier. Whereas, when it was paid for by the families or parents, the couple had more problems.  That seemed odd to me at first, I mean, how would that make a difference at all, right? It seems to go along with the idea that when you invest in something yourself, you are more likely to take care of it. Not only that, but as the couple sacrifices to make their marriage a reality, they draw closer together and learn to lean on one another. How cool is that?!

I just love learning about relationships. I have also been fascinated with personality assessments lately...would you guess that my personality is highly influenced by relationships, people, and the bonds we make? Because that is definitely me. No wonder I find this so fascinating and want to be a family therapist.

As always feel free to comment or ask any questions. If I don't know, I'll find out and let you know.

Have a great day!
Rebecca