Dating...what is that?

I have been learning about different things to do while dating that will help lead to a successful marriage.  Did you know that the habits you develop while you're dating will typically be the things that stay throughout your marriage? That seemed to be a little eye opening to me. I mean, it makes sense, but I had never really thought about it. A very typical date out here in school is to get together and study. Say, hypothetically, that a guy goes to a girls house to have dinner and do homework with her. If she typically makes dinner while he studies and then they finish up, that is kind of the precedence they are setting for their relationship. I hope that made sense. 

My generation really seems to struggle with dating. There are a lot of "hookups" and even more "hanging out" sessions. It's like we are afraid to even really qualify time spent together as a "date". 

There are some specific things that dating is supposed to help you determine. If you are not spending time identifying those things and growing as a couple, what are you doing?  A date should really consist of at least 3 aspects. 

1. It should be planned. 

You should have established that it is going to take place. Sorry guys, hanging out doesn't count as a date. 

2. It needs to be paid for. 

Now, if you plan something free...even better. But when it's not free, one person should pay for it. I would say that it is up to the couple to decide how this will work, but it should be clear before hand what the expectation is. 

3. You need to be paired off.  This can be confusing, especially when it comes to group dates, but everyone should know who their "date" is. 

People who tend to "slide" from one stage of dating to another statistically have more failed relationships. (there is research on this, but I don't remember off the top of my head. If you want to know, comment and I can find it for anyone interested.) 

One of the most fascinating things I learned about that I think everyone needs to learn is a system called RAM: Dating Relationship Model developed by Dr. John Van Epp. This refers to the way that relationships should develop.

There are 5 categories in this model; Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, and Touch. I'll explain:

1.      Know: this is where you are becoming friends and strengthening that relationship, you’re bonding and getting to know them.

2.      Trust: As you have been getting to know that person, you begin to trust them. This doesn’t mean the kind of trust where you just trust that they’re a good person, but rather, you have a good understanding of who they are and you trust that person.

3.      Rely: This is where you can rely on that person because you know them and you trust them. You have seen where they meet your needs.

4.      Commit: This is the idea of belong to each other. The more you feel you “belong to each other” the more you are committed to each other.

5.      Touch: This is referring to physical intimacy. This contributes to the feeling of closeness in the relationship.

Accoding to Van Epp, this is a progressive model. No category should be higher than the one preceding it.  For example, you should not be relying on someone until you know them AND trust them. That seems pretty obvious, but how does society keep in line with this when it comes to physical touch? Do people REALLY know, trust, rely on each other, and commit to one another before including the touch? 

I thought that was such a simple and smart way to approach relationships. How much heart ache would people avoid if they followed these guidelines, even loosely?  

I am just loving everything I am learning about. I always walk away from my classes with something new to consider as well as feeling enlightened. Life is good guys. Learn, grow, and expand your ideas.  As always, have a great day and feel free to comment and ask any questions. Let’s get a conversation going. 

Gender Assumptions

Something I have become aware of recently is how those who are heterosexual typically refer to same sex attraction as a struggle. I personally have never had those inclinations so I don't know how I would feel about it. But, I wonder if those who are homosexual feel like it is a  struggle. Perhaps it is lessening with so much attention and societal support now...I don't know. Because this is not something I am experiencing, I really don't understand a lot about it. I am someone who really wants to have a well rounded perspective and to be able to see where someones point of view is coming from. I think because of that, I am loving what I'm studying and learning. One thing I hope to be able to accomplish is to have a non-confrontational conversation. I'm basically trying to make sense of all the nonsense. 

In my family systems class we were talking about gender fluidity and same gender attraction. I found it fascinating. There is so much that affects us even without us knowing it. One of the things that we discussed was assumptions regarding attraction, how our interpretation of the world around us affects what we feel, and and how reinforcing behaviors affects all of it - basically. I think this was my favorite part. It also seemed to go along with the ideas of behaviorism that I am learning about in my psychology class. 

There are 3 stages to identifying yourself as someone in the Gay/Lesbian/etc. category;

1. Same sex attraction
When using the word "attraction" here, I don't mean in a  sexual sort of way. I simply mean a longing to be close to those of your gender.  This is typically where people first feel a pull for their own gender. 

2. Homosexual
This is where sexualization of people starts to kick in, whether physically or mentally. It only comes after you feel a sense of "attraction" to your gender and typically isn't something that is in the mind of children, but rather, it starts once you're hitting puberty or later. In general, before puberty, people don't view/think of others in a sexualized way. 

3. Deciding you are Gay/Lesbian/etc.
This is where someone decides that this is something that defines them. At least to some degree, this is a factor in their identity. 

This makes a lot of sense to me because I don't think most people are walking hormones with the intention of having sexual experiences with everyone we come into contact with. I think people are generally moral. People simply want intimacy. When I say "intimacy" I only mean a sense of closeness and security, not sexual in anyway. I don't think that it is any different for heterosexual people than it is for homosexual people. We as humans want a closeness with people, and typically (especially as children) we look for that sense of closeness through those we are similar to.  However, sometimes we have experiences or circumstances that will make us look for that closeness elsewhere. Then, as that behavior or inclination is reinforced, people accept that as part of their identity. I also should clarify, when I'm talking about "reinforcement" I mean anything that will keep bringing an idea to mind. It does not need to be something that is positive. An example could be praise for taking a stance and standing your ground or the opposite like constantly being put down, bullied, and shamed or anything in between.

Anyway, I wanted to share some of the ideas that I have been learning about. I definitely don't have it all figured out yet, but lets be real, will I ever have it all figure out? Please feel free to comment with any thoughts or ideas that you have so we can all learn from each other. Also, please be respectful. 

Thanks guys! I hope you're having a great day. 

x

The value of culture

Hello!

I have always been passionate about families. I love my family more than anything in the world, I'll openly tell anyone who asks...and apparently anyone who doesn't ask (as seen here in this post).  I have recently realized that I want to go into family therapy to help those who are having any struggles in their families. In addition to that, you probably also need to know that I am a college student. I am working on my Bachelors degree in Marriage and Family Relations right now out at Brigham Young University - Idaho.

I love all all that I am studying at this point. I feel like I walk away everyday with some new insight or idea to mull over in my mind. That's one reason I have decided to start a blog. I am hoping this has multiple benefits. As I have been learning in some of my psychology courses, the more you recall and share what you are learning, the more likely you are to remember it. So that is one reason I am doing this, but another is that I have found as I work through understanding ideas, they become much more clear when I write it out. There is something about making yourself put an idea into your own words that really helps solidify your understanding of that idea. Lastly, I am hoping that people will comment and share their views and ideas as well. Something that was said in a class the other day was that we see things through our own experiences - meaning that we may all have different perspectives on the same point because we have all had different experiences in our lives.

With all that being said, I would like to talk about culture here. I heard it defined the other day as: Human achievement that collectively maintains a condition for growth. In my mind, I always associated the word culture with traditions that are specific for a county or region. I like how it was broken down into something even more specific though. What I have realized I really like about this definition is how it is a positive idea, to keep growing. That could apply to population size, the economy, or even personal growth - just to list a few. Isn't that something that we all want? To become better versions than ourselves? If we were to be in a "culture" of growth, imagine all the good that could come out of it. I don't know, maybe I sound like a naive college student, but that sounds like it would be a pretty great place to live. But then, why can't we make our own world -  the part that we have control over (ourselves) - like that? This is why people set goals.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that idea and maybe start a conversation about it. If you have any comments or thoughts you want to share, feel free! I'd love to learn what you want to share.

Rebecca Anderson