Dating...what is that?

I have been learning about different things to do while dating that will help lead to a successful marriage.  Did you know that the habits you develop while you're dating will typically be the things that stay throughout your marriage? That seemed to be a little eye opening to me. I mean, it makes sense, but I had never really thought about it. A very typical date out here in school is to get together and study. Say, hypothetically, that a guy goes to a girls house to have dinner and do homework with her. If she typically makes dinner while he studies and then they finish up, that is kind of the precedence they are setting for their relationship. I hope that made sense. 

My generation really seems to struggle with dating. There are a lot of "hookups" and even more "hanging out" sessions. It's like we are afraid to even really qualify time spent together as a "date". 

There are some specific things that dating is supposed to help you determine. If you are not spending time identifying those things and growing as a couple, what are you doing?  A date should really consist of at least 3 aspects. 

1. It should be planned. 

You should have established that it is going to take place. Sorry guys, hanging out doesn't count as a date. 

2. It needs to be paid for. 

Now, if you plan something free...even better. But when it's not free, one person should pay for it. I would say that it is up to the couple to decide how this will work, but it should be clear before hand what the expectation is. 

3. You need to be paired off.  This can be confusing, especially when it comes to group dates, but everyone should know who their "date" is. 

People who tend to "slide" from one stage of dating to another statistically have more failed relationships. (there is research on this, but I don't remember off the top of my head. If you want to know, comment and I can find it for anyone interested.) 

One of the most fascinating things I learned about that I think everyone needs to learn is a system called RAM: Dating Relationship Model developed by Dr. John Van Epp. This refers to the way that relationships should develop.

There are 5 categories in this model; Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, and Touch. I'll explain:

1.      Know: this is where you are becoming friends and strengthening that relationship, you’re bonding and getting to know them.

2.      Trust: As you have been getting to know that person, you begin to trust them. This doesn’t mean the kind of trust where you just trust that they’re a good person, but rather, you have a good understanding of who they are and you trust that person.

3.      Rely: This is where you can rely on that person because you know them and you trust them. You have seen where they meet your needs.

4.      Commit: This is the idea of belong to each other. The more you feel you “belong to each other” the more you are committed to each other.

5.      Touch: This is referring to physical intimacy. This contributes to the feeling of closeness in the relationship.

Accoding to Van Epp, this is a progressive model. No category should be higher than the one preceding it.  For example, you should not be relying on someone until you know them AND trust them. That seems pretty obvious, but how does society keep in line with this when it comes to physical touch? Do people REALLY know, trust, rely on each other, and commit to one another before including the touch? 

I thought that was such a simple and smart way to approach relationships. How much heart ache would people avoid if they followed these guidelines, even loosely?  

I am just loving everything I am learning about. I always walk away from my classes with something new to consider as well as feeling enlightened. Life is good guys. Learn, grow, and expand your ideas.  As always, have a great day and feel free to comment and ask any questions. Let’s get a conversation going.