Stress...that's a bad thing, right?

When I think of stress, I think of finances and deadlines....which makes sense in the stage of life I am in right now. If you asked me a year ago, I would have also added trying to figure out what I want to do with my life - this time next year I'll probably tell you that applying for jobs and grad school is stressful. Basically, I think of struggling and hardships. But, how many of us think of diamonds? Carbon needs to go through immense amounts of "stress" before becoming the thing of beauty that people desire and cherish. It needs to be found, cut down, and polished. This is true of people and our relationships as well.

As we struggle together and lean on each other, our relationships come out so much stronger.  This is something we see in movies all the time. (Disclaimer: No, I don't believe everything I see on TV).  An obvious example of this is Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gagee. Sure they were friends before their journey together, but there was such a deep and profound love and respect for one another once all was said and done that it couldn't be put into words.

There is a model that address the process people go through called the ABCx model. 

ABCx stands for: 

Actual Event:

   Both - Response and Resources 

+ Cognition (how we define the situation/ think about it/ feel about it)

x  (Total Experience [this is the outcome]) 

There are 12 different types of stressors. I'm not going to list them all, but they can be divided into two main categories. Physiological (physical) and Psychological (mental). Each person develops coping skills as they have different experiences in life. Some of these can be very beneficial while others can be damaging. It is important to identify what kind of approach you are taking. Is it allowing you to grow and become a better person or is it stunting your growth?  

One thing that we really need to avoid is ANTs:  

Automatic

Negative

Thoughts

As we allow ourselves to fall into this, it affects the "x" factor, it plays a role in how we perceive the total experience. It makes me think of that verse of scripture that says "as a man thinketh, so is he".  If we percieve something as terrible and hard, it is going to be. If we are able to keep the perspective of what we are learning, how we are growing, and how the situation can benefit people, it will be that much better of an experience. 

For example, I am in college. I can think about the stress of finishing assignments, studying for and taking exams, and all of those things. With that perspective, I will be dragging through semester after semester, checking boxes off a list of requirements. But, if I think about the content of the courses, how I need to know that information to be prepared, how I will be able to help people when I come out (alive) on the other side, and about the experiences shared with new friends, I will love college. 

The main point I am trying to make is that we all have stressful times in our lives but, if we can learn how to recognize the beneficial value of those times, we will be all the better for it. 

I hope this has all made sense and that it can be beneficial to someone out there in the world. I love learning about all of this. Please, if you have questions, ask them. If you have insights, share them. 

Have a  great day!

Rebecca

Committed Relationships, Intimacy, and Friends

There are many things that need to be addressed when entering into a committed, intimate relationship.

Like, what are the boundaries?  Being in college, I hear all the time things like "once you get married, your social life disappears" or "married people don't associate with single people anymore" and the likes. There seems to be this social understanding that you live separate lives. But, aren't your friends still your friends, even though you get married? Some of my best friends have been married now. I would say that we are still very close, but I have been able to see this truth in our relationship. It's not that the friends ship has died or that it is inappropriate in anyway, but rather it has simply changed.  This is one reason so many couples are sharing their Facebook accounts and things like that.

There need to be firm boundaries once you get married. Even when only innocent and pure intentions exist, you need to be careful who you are developing attachments to. Most infidelity does not come about because they were planning it. It typically develops from a friendship. Am I saying that you can't have friends anymore? No. We all need friends to one degree or another. But how we approach those friendships is something that really matters.

An example that was brought up in class was the TV show from the early 2000's,  Friends. I think most of us are at least familiar with it. Another show that portrays this idea is How I Met Your Mother.  Though they didn't all end up sleeping with each other, some of them did, and there were numerous times when they were inappropriately relying on each other.

I mentioned this idea in my last post, but when we turn to people outside of the relationship regarding issues with that relationship, it begins to break those bonds instead of strengthening them. When you rely on each other to resolve concerns, you end up strengthening those ties.

Another thing that people don't really talk about is that the sexual cycle is different for the different genders. It takes women longer to reach the peak of their experience than men; it has been scientifically proven. This leaves the men feeling like they can't satisfy the needs of their spouse and the women wanting to help somehow. This is one of those things that needs to be worked through with your partner. When left unaddressed it can build to feelings of resentment and being objectified.

I know multiple couples who would have benefited from knowing this when they first started sleeping together.

Side not: physical intimacy is one of 6 basic human needs - along with food/water, sleeping, breathing, shelter, and using the restroom.

Also, I want to note that not all intimacy is sexual. You can have an intimate relationship without being physical at all. This goes back to the idea of who you are leaning on for support and strength. It is important to make sure that you are not developing intimate relationships once you are committed to someone. This is why it is important to carefully monitor your friendships and keep those boundaries clear.

I wish I could better articulate the concepts I'm trying to talk about here.  If you have any comments, please feel free to comment and ask questions. 

Transitions in Marriage

There is a funny thing about being in school. I think that time actually changes because last think I knew, it was the end of May...but apparently its actually closer to the end of June, which is crazy to me. I have also realized I need to work on my blogging skills. I have no problem talking with people, but apparently when I write it all out, I sound more like I'm writing a book report. Oh well.

I wanted to take a minute to talk about some of the transitions that people go through once they get married and start having children. I have been learning about some of the things that typically bring couples closer together and things that will pull them apart. Some of the things were pretty self apparent, but others were really quite subtle - things I never would have thought of.

Some of the more obvious things were financially oriented, like making large purchases without checking in with your spouse or charging things to your credit card when you can't afford them. Others that were also pretty self explanatory were things like talking bed about each other behind their backs. Hopefully, these aren't things that we struggle with, but if they are, reach out to each other and resolve these issues, please.

For the not so obvious ones, it was things like how much you rely on your family and friends. For example, when you and your spouse have a disagreement, you shouldn't talk to other people about it, even "just to blow off steam", even if you aren't trying to put them in a bad light or anything. When people do this, they don't typically go back and talk about how they resolved it and all the good things that person has done. Plus, it wont have the emotional ties of resolution for anyone outside of the relationship. Something else that was good indicator or whether or not you will be successful in the first few years of your marriage was who paid for the wedding and the reception. If this was done by the couple, statistically, they were happier. Whereas, when it was paid for by the families or parents, the couple had more problems.  That seemed odd to me at first, I mean, how would that make a difference at all, right? It seems to go along with the idea that when you invest in something yourself, you are more likely to take care of it. Not only that, but as the couple sacrifices to make their marriage a reality, they draw closer together and learn to lean on one another. How cool is that?!

I just love learning about relationships. I have also been fascinated with personality assessments lately...would you guess that my personality is highly influenced by relationships, people, and the bonds we make? Because that is definitely me. No wonder I find this so fascinating and want to be a family therapist.

As always feel free to comment or ask any questions. If I don't know, I'll find out and let you know.

Have a great day!
Rebecca