Committed Relationships, Intimacy, and Friends

There are many things that need to be addressed when entering into a committed, intimate relationship.

Like, what are the boundaries?  Being in college, I hear all the time things like "once you get married, your social life disappears" or "married people don't associate with single people anymore" and the likes. There seems to be this social understanding that you live separate lives. But, aren't your friends still your friends, even though you get married? Some of my best friends have been married now. I would say that we are still very close, but I have been able to see this truth in our relationship. It's not that the friends ship has died or that it is inappropriate in anyway, but rather it has simply changed.  This is one reason so many couples are sharing their Facebook accounts and things like that.

There need to be firm boundaries once you get married. Even when only innocent and pure intentions exist, you need to be careful who you are developing attachments to. Most infidelity does not come about because they were planning it. It typically develops from a friendship. Am I saying that you can't have friends anymore? No. We all need friends to one degree or another. But how we approach those friendships is something that really matters.

An example that was brought up in class was the TV show from the early 2000's,  Friends. I think most of us are at least familiar with it. Another show that portrays this idea is How I Met Your Mother.  Though they didn't all end up sleeping with each other, some of them did, and there were numerous times when they were inappropriately relying on each other.

I mentioned this idea in my last post, but when we turn to people outside of the relationship regarding issues with that relationship, it begins to break those bonds instead of strengthening them. When you rely on each other to resolve concerns, you end up strengthening those ties.

Another thing that people don't really talk about is that the sexual cycle is different for the different genders. It takes women longer to reach the peak of their experience than men; it has been scientifically proven. This leaves the men feeling like they can't satisfy the needs of their spouse and the women wanting to help somehow. This is one of those things that needs to be worked through with your partner. When left unaddressed it can build to feelings of resentment and being objectified.

I know multiple couples who would have benefited from knowing this when they first started sleeping together.

Side not: physical intimacy is one of 6 basic human needs - along with food/water, sleeping, breathing, shelter, and using the restroom.

Also, I want to note that not all intimacy is sexual. You can have an intimate relationship without being physical at all. This goes back to the idea of who you are leaning on for support and strength. It is important to make sure that you are not developing intimate relationships once you are committed to someone. This is why it is important to carefully monitor your friendships and keep those boundaries clear.

I wish I could better articulate the concepts I'm trying to talk about here.  If you have any comments, please feel free to comment and ask questions.